*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.