Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Breaking news:
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.