Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?