Tell the colonel to bring it
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.