I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900