me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
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A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
This is amazing.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Grandmother clock.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed