FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
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If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Dead sexy!!