Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.