Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
CRYING
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: