Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.