What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You Might Also Like
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Stick it to the man
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
(by @ZachWeiner )
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle