When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
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HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
*limbos under the caution tape
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣