I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.