You Might Also Like
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
this is what they would have looked like, though
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.