“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
getting old is fun
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.