[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Hit me in the face with a bird
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working