Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
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50 shades of grey = my Liver
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
just gave your address to some spiders
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.