*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
tis the season