cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it