You Might Also Like
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.