Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
#Caturday
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.