I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT