Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
my one true gender
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Anyone really
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead