My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.