Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
shut up and take my money
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.