Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.