Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
can you read it!!??
maan!
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.