I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
They’re stuck in your pants?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”