it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
You Might Also Like
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera