If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
From Facebook just now…
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.