Always the camel, never the toe.
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[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth