One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
asked my bf how work was today
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!