The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“our sushi is very fresh”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?