“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Baking is just science you can eat.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.