Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
dads on road-trips be like
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)