How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
wow he looks just like him
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.