adam and eve had first world problems
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.