Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
You Might Also Like
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.