I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
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Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)