I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits