*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.