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Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”