Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
You Might Also Like
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW