If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.