dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please