Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
That took me a moment.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!