Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My love language is deader than Latin
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Love is in the air fryer.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
describing stardew valley
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.