Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Ok but actually
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: