[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper