Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
🤣😂🤣
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.